I have spent the entire morning at Rendezvous, one of my favorite coffee shops. They don't know my name, and I'm glad for it, because it's nice to have a brief respite from hearing my name called; but they know my face. It's quiet, it's bright, the music is good, everyone is greeted like a regular. I frequent this shop because it's only a few minutes from the boys preschool, so it's an easy stop in the morning after dropping them off. Sadly, I have not taken advantage of it lately. This morning, I am wondering why I haven't taken the time to spend more time in the quiet, in a place where I'm not responsible for cleaning up or organizing or being hospitable.
It's been so long since I have smiled to myself, enjoyed my own company, sat long enough alone to let the swirling sediment of my thoughts settle. I either feel too guilty to stop, or the deeper fear of not being loved because I'm not "doing" keeps me from being still. So, this morning, in between reading the news, enjoying blogs and catching up on reading email on the new "used" laptop I got from my neighber, I have managed to have some insightful thoughts about my current "state". The thoughts and introspection have not been forced, just risen to the surface as a result of a few hours of quiet replenisment. Of course, I'm not entirely pleased with what has risen, but at least it's stuff I can deal with.
For now, in this moment, I am grateful for:
Coffee & chocolate pastries
Midol
Strangers who need nothing from me
A working husband who supports my quiet morning
A God who is not pressuring me
A hot bowl of soup that I didn't prepare
Happy boys in preschool that I need to pick up in 10 minutes...
Just a little gratefulness to combat my negative internal rut of late. I don't think I'm bitter, despite how parts of the above thoughts may sound, I think I'm just a little tired.
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4 comments:
Wow, Casey. Thanks for being so vulnerable. I am so glad that you slowed down this morning. I know how hard that is for you - and how necessary. I love you and admire you just for who you are.
Thanks,LJ. I know my life is good, and I'm deeply grateful for it - no complaints. I just want to get better about enjoying it more fully.
"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." -M. Scott Peck, psychiatrist and author (1936-2005)
Good job identifying a rut and terrific work taking the energy to use the rut to search for a truer answer. I wish you Peace and Love.
Great post! --love your willingness to step away and search inside for what's deeper--always a good thing. love to you!
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